Extended Families

Have you ever thought about the meaning of extended families in a child's life?????? This is a topic dear and close to me on several reason's ~ let's see if I can follow through my train of thought :smile.

Keep reading if you dare as I'll not apologize!!! And this will be lengthy

The definition of extended family as Webster defines it is:

extended family
n.
1. A family group that consists of parents, children, and other close relatives, often living in close proximity.
2. A group of relatives, such as those of three generations, who live in close geographic proximity rather than under the same roof.

Okay that being said unless you've been living under a rock, or else, just tripped across my blog from some wild search, I'm adopted. Was adopted when I was 3 days old. My son is adopted by Speedbump. Yet, my son has living breathing biological ties throughout his "other" family that he has ALWAYS been fully concious. One step further, it was requested of him, before the adoption was allowed that "HE" personally ask for it to happen, which he did, on his own accord!!!

I feel it is important that those ties NEVER be broken. Call me warped, call me trying to reconnect on issues that I never could, call me anything you'd like ~ but once you start passing judgment is when you need to stop reading as you have NO CLUE!!!

Even in today's world, adoption, no matter when it happens has a "stigma" attached to it. You always have to be one step past the mark of "what is accepted", "what is considered "your personality"", always trying to defeat the scarlet letter "A" pressed upon you as "not wanted". What person, whom calls their self a "true" mother, would ever want that for their child, especially, if she has walked that path ALL her life???

I'm so lucky on so MANY levels in life. Adoption for me I have always looked upon as; "God works in mysteries ways" and for MY LIFE he hit the nail on the head. I have the luxury of obtaining this knowledge well into my adulthood. Painful knowledge non the less but knowledge to know God's plan is always correct.....hense another plug to go and see the movie The Passion!!! :smile.

Yet, I'm proud to know, as a mother, who's son has been lucky enough to be adopted and loved by such a wonderful man, aka my husband "Speedbump", (get compliments while you can babe :biggrin). I'm also lucky enough to recap my life and no longer make my divorce about who "won" custody of my son.

I have also have the luxury to reflect about the battle and live to tell about it ~

In a divorce so many people hurt and feel the affects of it's downfall.......grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, nieces and nephews etc.........life lines are affected from two people who can't make a marriage work but the most horrifying tragedy of it all is who suffers the most, the child (children). I mean let's think about it, when you are in court battling for custody of your child/children, who is thinking of the fall out affect to the extended family???? You are in court to plead your case and win, yet no matter how far you run; and trust me I ran far and wide; you can not escape what is most important ~ family ties!!! ALL FAMILY TIES!!!!!

How do I know this??? I walk that life daily with my eldest!!!! The reason my first marriage broke up had NOTHING to do with our son, but who suffered the most of our break up??? MY SON!!! However, I was lucky enough to have a man come into my life that took the role of fatherhood into his hands gladly. I'll give you one better than that, he not only took Q15 as his own, he allows my x-in-laws and hubby to visit our home, as well as any other family member, anytime they want. Yes, I know I'm a lucky woman.

*Foot note: I was also lucky enough to have a man who saw his son wanting a "hands on father" and did the largest act of love any parent can do under the circumstance ~ another lesson learned but NEVER forgotten in my eyes on my ex husband ~ so I guess I've had the luxury of two extrodianry men in my life and both I called my husband!!!*

Yet, luck does not always have everything to do with it, as no matter how as an adult I know how lucky I am, and my children, or at least one, will always feel that "stigma", my son, and will no doubt eventually look at his life as unlucky at his worst points. And people acutally doubt the power of family and extended family and most importantly the power of God????? This amazes me....anyhoot..

When those times fall upon him, it is MY responsibility to show him he is not alone. He has family who loves him and always has and to also keep those communication lines open. For NO COURT in the land can protect a child and or children like family. Rather it be a mother, father, or extened family or all of the above........the responsiblity lies IN THE FAMILY!!!!

Is it easy??? HELL NO!!!! Okay again I have another advantage we are talking years of healing within the whole family, yet, I'm not regarded as the "ex" wife, I'm called their daughter, sister etc. To me that takes a family of substance, a family of faith, most importantly a family of love!!!

My ex husband and I still talk from time to time on the phone, he has yet woken up to the world of the "internet". I talk to my second "mom and dad", aka ex in-laws, not only on the phone but online, as well as, talk to my brother and sister n laws. I keep them updated on Q15 with websites they can access and updated photo's..........do I have too........no.........why do I??????????

Because at the end of the day...........it is what makes my son a better man and that is a parents job: to make their children better and have a better life than you have lived out.......to make them understand and learn from your mistakes in life.........

Bottom line it is so that my son KNOWS no matter what happened all those years ago, he is loved more than he could ever imagine and the beauty of all that has come out of this..........that love is also extended to his sister. She is no blood relation, however, she is still considered "their own".

Divorce isn't easy, custody battles are ugly, all I suggest is, keep the best interest of the child *children* first and foremost in life you can never go wrong. We as adults make our decisions, never forget: our children NEVER choose their life, parents or divorce, we as adults and our decisions forced them into it. Not always by "both" parents decision either, sometimes only "one" parents decision, but the battles at the end of the day are still the same.....

How do I know this?????

I speak from experience.......I'm the one who walked out on my first marriage, my ex husband did NOT want the divorce...so if I touched a nerve, don't criticize deal with it and most importantly THINK ABOUT IT...........I've had many nerves touched in my battles too!!!! At the end of the day it is all about the children...........

Trust me this is not knowledge learned over night, I've had years to reflect upon it, correct it, and make a mense, but in what I've learned is through my son.......he is who has suffered, excelled, and become such a good little man through all what was stacked against him based on what was in the "best interest of the child". And for me, with all the mistakes I've made in life, the smile on his face when he gets that phone call from "his family" and the long conversations, that is when I KNOW, I've done right by my son!!!!

Yet no matter any outcome, bottom line is this, we all have our crosses to bare ~ it just really boils down to how long we'll carry that cross before making it right by all definitions ~ and in my eyes the only definition is in the eyes of our children.

THERE ARE THREE SIDES TO EVERY DIVORCE ~ YOURS, HIS AND THE TRUTH